From past to present

Not sure what to say about this, just words that made their way to paper I guess (and then computer screen of course). ^_^

"Younger than one should be

Life showed itself far too soon

Awakened ahead of time

Forced into the darkness of night

Leaving the light behind

Shy sparks of color came and went

As souls arrived and parted

Flickering moments of hope

Painting the world, otherwise dead

Never a spirit likeminded

And most with baggage to share

They drifted through, leaving nothing when done

And out of all, none to stay

Strength all gone and defiance worn out

Settlement was arranged

Never alone, but mostly lonely

Hours became days and days went on for years

Decades past and nothing changed

While not in pain, still not living

Not sleeping, yet not awake

The world still in shades

Shades of grey"

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"Memories of different times already past

Dark Peace sheltered by the night

Numbness that didn't feel wrong

Time that stood still and life that never was

After nightfall defenses were high

Distance was safety, silence was wise

Watching the world through a tinted glass

Nothing came through, no one could pass

Observing life's passing a reflection appeared

Someone on the other side, someone looking inn

As if there were no blockage he made his way through

Shattered the glass and brought time back too

As time caught up to present it hit the ground hard

Walls crumbled down and the light reemerged

With no guards left and nowhere else to hide

Resistance seemed pointless, surrendered at last

Pride set aside and taking a look around

Shadows faded away leaving a colorful sight behind

Swapped freedom for chains, no regrets attached

Never experienced before, defeat as such a prize"

Stone cold, right?

Nothing particularly new so far, but still feeling like writing so here goes a chapter about feelings which is normally something I don’t talk about at all... I find it entertaining that most people that know me seems to think that I don’t have any at all, some more seriously than others of course. It’s not strange, but I thought I might try to explain it a bit and hopefully I’ll get it better across in writing than I do when I try to say it, ‘cause that doesn’t work.

I’ll start by saying that despite I don’t come across that way as much now as I did when I was younger I’m an extremely shy and/or insecure person. When you grow up like that I think you’re normally presented with two paths for this, not necessarily options though. Either you get sheltered so much that you actually stay that way or you’re forced to deal with it.

Luckily for me I headed down the second road and for me that implied developing some heavy defences (walls if you like) to shelter myself efficiently. As I’ve said before I’m extremely aware of what and how I say things and for the most part, if I’m unsure, I leave it unsaid. I like the saying “It’s better to appear stupid while being silent than open your mouth and prove it” and although I don’t think I’m stupid I rather not feel that way. I can add I have an annoying sense of pride that doesn’t help much. :P

I’m also extremely “picky” when it comes to people I let close. Not because I have anything against anybody, but because I find it hard to be myself around everybody the same. Some people for some reason are just a better fit for me and it’s all but a conscious choice.

Another thing that plays a huge part is that I’m a pretty rational person which normally means that feelings for me come in second place beaten by far by reason. Of course that doesn’t mean I don’t have them, I just put them away. I’m normally very able to compartmentalize so if I’ve a had a bad day at home I can still go to work and enjoy my 8 hours there undisturbed or the other way around. I like to deal with each problem where it is and giving it thoughts elsewhere seems like a waste of time for me. I’m no robot so I’m well aware that this doesn’t always work and if something is overwhelming it will affect me, but I still make an effort to keep it private.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I’ve always felt that sharing too much is sort of a sign of weakness. I know it’s not the case and I’ve never looked at someone like weak when they’ve come to me for advice or comfort, but I just can’t get myself around to being like that. Normally if I share something I’ve already worked through it on my own and it’s all good by then. My friends have always complained about this because I tend to not let them feel useful as friends, but it works for me. I normally don’t work through problems complaining about them, but I do appreciate people’s company in those times. The best medicine for me I figure is just having a good time or at least get distracted. It makes the world suck a little less. ;)

Truth is for the most part I feel like an observer watching as the world passes by without touching me at all. Human nature fascinates me so I kind of enjoy that part. And then again there are those few times where I find that my rationality just disappears with no prior notice and I get mad at myself because my reaction to something doesn’t make any sense at all. You know, those feelings I’m not supposed to have whatsoever, they surface every once in a while… usually related to some of those few people I actually have close…

Not sure if this makes any sense at all, but I think it sums me up pretty much and I’m sure there are a lot of people out there being just the same, the opposite or somewhere in between. And that’s the best part, the fact that we’re all different. It makes the world all that more interesting. :)

Mmmm…  wall of text warning should probably be at the top. Oh well, if you got this far you probably figured already. ^_^

I don't care... should I?

Linked to what I wrote the other day and on the subject “why should I care what people think or talk about” I had some random thoughts today. And yes, I do occasionally think but It’s really exhausting so it doesn’t happen very often. :P

I am really a carefree person when it comes to this, but at the same time I think I’ve been educated a way that gives me some sort of “common sense” that I tend to ignore. Truth is in our everyday life we do live with constant judgement from others, friends included, and ignoring it completely does have consequences.

I could say that I dress exactly as I please (and I’m sure I do more carelessly than most of the people I’m around) but truth is I do take where and with who I’m going to spend time into account. Unconsciously I should add. If it’s completely casual I guess I don’t give it a thought, but if it’s not there are certain basics and policies that play a part. To me this is a matter of respect and think it’s ok even though I don’t necessarily agree.

In the same way, when I act or talk I could say I should be able to do exactly as I see fit… but then again there are other people that might “suffer” the consequences. I do actually think twice about how what I say or do might affect the people around me because I do care about that. I sort of envy people that are able to lash out whatever they feel like without caring because I really think it’s a lot healthier than bottling stuff up, but I don’t seem to be able to. Every word I say needs to be rethought before I say it to make sure it comes across right. Obviously the more comfortable I get around people the more I relax this, but it’s almost always there.

I also want to make a quick mention of what I find a disgusting habit, which is gossip. I know we all do it to a certain degree, but to be honest… people’s privacy should be sacred and speculating about it without knowing is distasteful to say the least. Even when you do know, why is it anybody’s business? That being said I refuse to do or not do anything based on it. People can talk all they want by me and I’m still going to be myself. Period.

So about the topic… yes I think people should be able to appear, say or do as they wish as long as it doesn’t affect others.  On the other hand, being realistic, we know that people around us doesn’t have to agree with this so it’s also a matter of being smart. Of course we can play the victim saying we didn’t get what we wanted due to discrimination for example (getting a little extreme) but we can also play by the rules (by all means, bend them) and get where or what we want. It might not be total freedom, but hey… anyone still thinks that’s a concept we have at any point today? Just asking… ;)

Everyone at some point...

Having had some time today (maybe too much :P ) I found yet again something I wrote some time ago and I can't help but think that it's a phase everyone goes through at some point. I've rearranged/rewritten it a bit as I think I wrote it when I was... 16? And that's a looooong time ago.

Not sure what to call it, but it makes a lot of sense to me if I think about times when you seem to find no exit, whatsoever, to a situation you're in. People tend to say "give it time" and you only want to punch them in the face for saying such a stupid thing. Truth is... Give it time. :)

“A letter written for no one to read.

Thoughts from my soul never spoken.

A song in the air that only I can hear.

Memories from the past not nearly forgotten.

Loneliness never felt so real.

Future never seemed so far away.

Some people try to get through to me.

I can’t hear a word they say.

Shadows. That’s all I see.

Shadows. That’s all that’s left of me.

Time has left me in an empty space.

No past.

No future.

Nothing else…

I’m drowning in the depths of sea.

Colours are fading before my eyes.

Swimming is a possibility I can’t achieve.

I can’t get out.

I’ve already tried.

When the night is at its darkest.

And an eternity seems to have past.

A sign of light strikes the sky

And brings the brake of dawn at last.

Colours came back to stay by my side.

Present became past and future arrived.

Now that I’m finally standing up tall.

Now I’m ready.

Ready for it all.”

I'm not normal, so what? :D

I thought I’d keep up the writing while I still feel like I have something to say and as you can see in this blog that’s not too often. I got into the thought of how things doesn’t seem to have changed much since high school in the last post of the blog. As I stated there I don’t really care too much about it though, I find it entertaining for the most part.

I'll start by saying that during that time I didn’t have a defined style when it came to clothing. I really just dressed as I felt it when I got up in the morning. I should probably add that I was no fan of bright colours back then and that has changed a little bit over time. Still happy in black though.

My taste in music was also all over the place. Of course I had some genres that appealed more to me, but mostly I figured every situation had a suiting tune and I still find it that way today.

Even though I did have (still do) female friends I can say hands down they don’t make majority by far. The few I do have are great though.  I don’t know why but guys appeal more to me socially and I guess it is because for the most part they don’t overcomplicate things. I’m well aware that it’s not always the case but I stand by the statistics in personal experience and it works for me.

I normally don’t write (or talk for that matter, unless I’m provoked) about sexism, chauvinism or similar subjects. I tend to find it annoying and I guess that’s mostly because I’m always on the wrong side of the argument. I guess a girl that went for technological studies, enjoys gaming and doesn’t get offended too easily (just to pick some examples) doesn’t qualify for the right audience when other girls try to defend their never ending list of rights. I’m all for equality, but I don’t believe we were born the same so an equal opportunity, which I’m all for, is not the same as a free pass. This last sentence sums pretty much up my opinion about this and growing up in a place where sexism is, even today in some degree, pretty normal that wasn’t very popular. To either side of the argument that is.

I guess bottom line to this is that I wasn't the easiest person to put a label on and not everybody is fine with that. Still puzzles me why...

So… why do I say that things haven’t changed? I would’ve thought these things stayed behind once I started working (which I did in a construction company’s office), and it was all BUT better. As of today the degree is notably lower, but it is still there. And again, mostly very amusing.

To tell the truth I didn’t care much for it when I was younger either and that wasn’t always a good (smart?) thing. I guess I tended to rub people the wrong way just because I didn’t care. I used to get the comment “you’re not normal” pretty often and, as I still do today, I said I was proud. Normal sounds really boring to me. I’m no fan of the “go with the flow” and “do as everybody else” attitude and yes, by all means, do as you wish... but I consider “not normal” a compliment. :)

And there’s that! ^_^

One day at a time...

Being the realistic person that I am (isn’t realistic what pessimists in denial call themselves?) I find myself in a surprisingly good place right now. I’ve always been very lucky with how things turn out for me, but this just feels like a puzzle putting its own pieces together for me…

I’ve ended up living where I always hoped I would as a kid and taking into account that I moved abroad very young that wasn’t a done deal. I love Spain for a lot of reasons, but I don’t think it would’ve ever been “home”. This on the other hand, this IS home.

I have a job that I can truly say I enjoy and getting up in the morning isn’t hard at all. There was a time that I got physically ill just thinking about going to work, but that’s not the case now. Looking forward to tomorrow makes today all that better. One day is never like the day before and even on a bad day (we all have them) there’s something good.

I’ve got the best family, friends and colleagues one could have (I’m sure I’m not the only one, but it doesn’t make it any less true) and although I sometimes feel like high school never really ended I guess I find it kind of amusing now. Yeah, people never reach adulthood… not really. No matter how much experience can teach you most of us just become a more “wise” version of our teenager self. And that’s ok.

Bottom line right now is that I’m as close to happy as I think I’ll ever get and it feels good. Tomorrow might prove me wrong, but for the time being I’m enjoying it so I figured I’d put my thoughts out there to thank everyone making this my present. You know who you are so… Thank you! ^_^