Nothing particularly new so far, but
still feeling like writing so here goes a chapter about feelings which is
normally something I don’t talk about at all... I find it entertaining that
most people that know me seems to think that I don’t have any at all, some more
seriously than others of course. It’s not strange, but I thought I might try to
explain it a bit and hopefully I’ll get it better across in writing than I do
when I try to say it, ‘cause that doesn’t work.
I’ll start by saying that despite I
don’t come across that way as much now as I did when I was younger I’m an
extremely shy and/or insecure person. When you grow up like that I think you’re
normally presented with two paths for this, not necessarily options though.
Either you get sheltered so much that you actually stay that way or you’re
forced to deal with it.
Luckily for me I headed down the
second road and for me that implied developing some heavy defences (walls if you like) to shelter myself
efficiently. As I’ve said before I’m extremely aware of what and how I say
things and for the most part, if I’m unsure, I leave it unsaid. I like the
saying “It’s better to appear stupid while being silent than open your mouth
and prove it” and although I don’t think I’m stupid I rather not feel that way.
I can add I have an annoying sense of pride that doesn’t help much. :P
I’m also extremely “picky” when it
comes to people I let close. Not because I have anything against anybody, but
because I find it hard to be myself around everybody the same. Some people for
some reason are just a better fit for me and it’s all but a conscious choice.
Another thing that plays a huge part
is that I’m a pretty rational person which normally means that feelings for me
come in second place beaten by far by reason. Of course that doesn’t mean I don’t
have them, I just put them away. I’m normally very able to compartmentalize so
if I’ve a had a bad day at home I can still go to work and enjoy my 8 hours
there undisturbed or the other way around. I like to deal with each problem
where it is and giving it thoughts elsewhere seems like a waste of time for me.
I’m no robot so I’m well aware that this doesn’t always work and if something
is overwhelming it will affect me, but I still make an effort to keep it
private.
I don’t know why, but for some
reason I’ve always felt that sharing too much is sort of a sign of weakness. I
know it’s not the case and I’ve never looked at someone like weak when they’ve
come to me for advice or comfort, but I just can’t get myself around to being
like that. Normally if I share something I’ve already worked through it on my
own and it’s all good by then. My friends have always complained about this
because I tend to not let them feel useful as friends, but it works for me. I normally
don’t work through problems complaining about them, but I do appreciate people’s
company in those times. The best medicine for me I figure is just having a good
time or at least get distracted. It makes the world suck a little less. ;)
Truth is for the most part I feel
like an observer watching as the world passes by without touching me at all.
Human nature fascinates me so I kind of enjoy that part. And then again there
are those few times where I find that my rationality just disappears with no
prior notice and I get mad at myself because my reaction to something doesn’t
make any sense at all. You know, those feelings I’m not supposed to have
whatsoever, they surface every once in a while… usually related to some of
those few people I actually have close…
Not sure if this makes any sense at
all, but I think it sums me up pretty much and I’m sure there are a lot of
people out there being just the same, the opposite or somewhere in between. And
that’s the best part, the fact that we’re all different. It makes the world all
that more interesting. :)
