I'm not normal, so what? :D

I thought I’d keep up the writing while I still feel like I have something to say and as you can see in this blog that’s not too often. I got into the thought of how things doesn’t seem to have changed much since high school in the last post of the blog. As I stated there I don’t really care too much about it though, I find it entertaining for the most part.

I'll start by saying that during that time I didn’t have a defined style when it came to clothing. I really just dressed as I felt it when I got up in the morning. I should probably add that I was no fan of bright colours back then and that has changed a little bit over time. Still happy in black though.

My taste in music was also all over the place. Of course I had some genres that appealed more to me, but mostly I figured every situation had a suiting tune and I still find it that way today.

Even though I did have (still do) female friends I can say hands down they don’t make majority by far. The few I do have are great though.  I don’t know why but guys appeal more to me socially and I guess it is because for the most part they don’t overcomplicate things. I’m well aware that it’s not always the case but I stand by the statistics in personal experience and it works for me.

I normally don’t write (or talk for that matter, unless I’m provoked) about sexism, chauvinism or similar subjects. I tend to find it annoying and I guess that’s mostly because I’m always on the wrong side of the argument. I guess a girl that went for technological studies, enjoys gaming and doesn’t get offended too easily (just to pick some examples) doesn’t qualify for the right audience when other girls try to defend their never ending list of rights. I’m all for equality, but I don’t believe we were born the same so an equal opportunity, which I’m all for, is not the same as a free pass. This last sentence sums pretty much up my opinion about this and growing up in a place where sexism is, even today in some degree, pretty normal that wasn’t very popular. To either side of the argument that is.

I guess bottom line to this is that I wasn't the easiest person to put a label on and not everybody is fine with that. Still puzzles me why...

So… why do I say that things haven’t changed? I would’ve thought these things stayed behind once I started working (which I did in a construction company’s office), and it was all BUT better. As of today the degree is notably lower, but it is still there. And again, mostly very amusing.

To tell the truth I didn’t care much for it when I was younger either and that wasn’t always a good (smart?) thing. I guess I tended to rub people the wrong way just because I didn’t care. I used to get the comment “you’re not normal” pretty often and, as I still do today, I said I was proud. Normal sounds really boring to me. I’m no fan of the “go with the flow” and “do as everybody else” attitude and yes, by all means, do as you wish... but I consider “not normal” a compliment. :)

And there’s that! ^_^

One day at a time...

Being the realistic person that I am (isn’t realistic what pessimists in denial call themselves?) I find myself in a surprisingly good place right now. I’ve always been very lucky with how things turn out for me, but this just feels like a puzzle putting its own pieces together for me…

I’ve ended up living where I always hoped I would as a kid and taking into account that I moved abroad very young that wasn’t a done deal. I love Spain for a lot of reasons, but I don’t think it would’ve ever been “home”. This on the other hand, this IS home.

I have a job that I can truly say I enjoy and getting up in the morning isn’t hard at all. There was a time that I got physically ill just thinking about going to work, but that’s not the case now. Looking forward to tomorrow makes today all that better. One day is never like the day before and even on a bad day (we all have them) there’s something good.

I’ve got the best family, friends and colleagues one could have (I’m sure I’m not the only one, but it doesn’t make it any less true) and although I sometimes feel like high school never really ended I guess I find it kind of amusing now. Yeah, people never reach adulthood… not really. No matter how much experience can teach you most of us just become a more “wise” version of our teenager self. And that’s ok.

Bottom line right now is that I’m as close to happy as I think I’ll ever get and it feels good. Tomorrow might prove me wrong, but for the time being I’m enjoying it so I figured I’d put my thoughts out there to thank everyone making this my present. You know who you are so… Thank you! ^_^

Would I be a good politician? of course… NOT! xD

31-01-2012

Going through more random texts I’ve written I found another one I quite like so here goes. :)

“Just random thinking lately has made me wonder about what it takes to be a politician these days. In a world where truth isn’t based on simple facts, but depends as much on the one telling it as on the one listening to/reading it. And the more it is told, the more it changes.

I guess I picture the world as a fragile balance formed out of tons of small groups. Different kinds of groups. One person can actually be a part of more than one, but we all play an important role in the balance (or lack of it).

I was going to get into how necessary all those groups are, no matter if we consider them right or wrong, but I would end up leading this text somewhere else than what I intended. The bottom line of that part is to say that our naïve idealists are as relevant as our greedy capitalists (for example) in order to have a healthy society and that having groups growing too much might jeopardize this.

Back on track, I’ve been thinking about whether I could have ever been a politician or not. Just as a personal curiosity though. I’ve wondered where one should draw the line in order to stay focused. What is acceptable and what is not. I’m well aware that being a politician is quite more than just fighting for something, as it is never that simple. You have to make deals in what you think is the best interest of the people, often sacrificing a part of your goals in order to get others. And on top of that you have to make sure the public impression of what you do is right in order to stay in the game.

It is too easy to lose focus on your final goal along the way. For every step you take there are several options and each one pulls you in totally different directions.

I guess the natural evolution is to start out as an idealist with words like truth, honesty, democracy, etc… on your mind, and move forward from there. The more involved in politics you get the more you realize those words aren’t as simple as the dictionary would want you to think. What good does honesty bring you if it causes deaths or panic? What good is the truth when it gets manipulated at every step and the very idea of it going public will only cause more damage than good? How real is democracy when the opinion of the voters are played with and at the end of the day, they don’t really decide much anyway because the politicians don’t truly represent them?

I’ve concluded I don’t want to get into politics, even if I could (which is obviously not the case). Not because I don’t have what I think it requires, but because I don’t want to know what it would do to me as a person. I honestly wouldn’t like to face the kind of situations where the majority of choices presented aren’t right or wrong. They will probably be bad or worse. And then live with that. Reality shows us that in order to get things done, difficult decisions have to be made, and at the same time you have to be able to present yourself as a reliable honest and strong person towards the public opinion.

Taking that kind of decisions, regretting them or not and still be able to chase the goal you had from the start… Stay focused without letting someone else step on you, making the right deals without losing integrity… it’s a complicated game and 99% of the ones playing get lost along the path they have made themselves.

Sure the intentions in the very beginning were probably great. They were probably what got you where you’re at, but they normally don’t stay with you once you realize how ugly the truth can be.

I guess a politician should always start out as someone with strong ideals or ambitions. I don’t have either of those qualities. I guess I consider myself somewhat neutral and the only situation I can picture myself as part of history would be in a case of necessity. And how likely is that? (Luckily for me. :P  )”

A Blank Canvas

15-07-2011

Going through a harddisk I had laying around I found a piece of text that I wrote some time ago and for some reason I didn’t finish, but I like it as is (for now) so I’m putting it here. 

“A blank canvas. That’s what I would like to see everyone picture for their future, but it is just an illusion of someone too naïve to see the truth. We live in a society that doesn’t complain and what surrounds us is sort of imposed. Of course we all do what we want within the margins of what’s legal (more or less), but at some point what is legal and what is right is not always the same thing as the ones making the laws are also humans (never completely impartial/neutral) as the rest of us.

When I still didn’t know what I wanted to study for my own future I had several options. I could have submerged in the world of languages and translating which would probably have been the easiest choice. I could have taken on Law which is what most people recommended for me… but I chose computers. I was no genius at the subject but it was practical and gave a lot of options once I was done (not that I ever got that far xD ).

To my point… law would have been the right fit for me taking into account the way I am and my personality, but then again I thought I wanted to keep my health for a few more years. It might sound strange, but I reached the conclusion that if I studied that I would end up spending more time fighting against the system then working for it and I can’t quite see that as healthy for anybody.

I can’t picture free citizens when the policy of a country is made by and for politicians. I struggle to find it just that a man behind a desk can earn so much more than a man that works hard with his own hands for so many more hours. I don’t understand how the state can charge me for expenses I might not have and that someone else than me can chose to what author I give benefits. I don’t see how the money I’m paying for my pension goes to the elderly today and how taxes are just thrown into a common pot that exists for the ones in charge to deal out as they see fit.

It worries me that the state is allowed to take the citizens money and put it through the insecurities of the monetary market, such as the stock market. It bothers me that the solution to the crisis is giving money to the ones that already have money without ensuring that it actually is used to create and/or keep the jobs that people need and I don’t get how the government can take so long to pay out the financial help they’ve promised, even cancelling them in the aftermath in some cases, when the reason they were given was because they were deemed necessary. I also think that television should be more restricted when it comes to political propaganda because it is really hard to find any kind of “neutral” journalism nowadays…

I think drastic changes are crucial if we really want a healthy democracy and a relatively real freedom. I was about to write “the freedom we deserve” but it would be so wrong as the first step towards this has to be admitting that the current situation is what it is because we let it. The people must take responsibility and charge and start demanding that those in charge began working for them, and not the other way around as it has been until now.”

That’s what I’ve written so far. Maybe I’ll pick it up again another day. ^_^

You choose your future

28-10-2009

Ever woke up and realized that your nightmare is your reality and your dream was where you’d like to be? That’s a common daily issue for a lot of people. Me among them I suppose, just not all that dramatic. Not that I remember my dreams anyway. :P

What I really mean to say is that being somewhere while you’re longing for being somewhere else is truly discouraging. Few things drain your life energy like that.

Personally I think, as I do of most things, that a large responsibility to do something about it is ours. In my case it’s just a matter of time. It’s not like I can just step out of the routine without knowing where to head from there since every act has consequences and in our society economy has a large role in our lives, sorry to say. When the time is right, I will know. :)

I always pictured my life as some sort of puzzle. The pieces just arrive with no prior notice and always fit perfectly. That doesn’t mean I’m not responsible for moving forward to a greater tomorrow, but patience is required too. One step at the time. Being positive is a huge part of this. It’s very easy to feel sorry for yourself when things don’t seem to work out, but there’s always a brighter point of view if you’re willing to look for it.

Try to look for the opportunities in your every day. Heading towards a different future might mean you’ll have to risk a bit, that it won’t always be easy… but just the journey towards it is an experience that will remind you you’re alive. Just by that it’s worth it.

And by all means, don’t pay the problems you don’t have yet any mind. Enjoy your present because when you look back you’ll regret every day you’ve wasted on unnecessary worrying. ;)

Valhadria.

We all matter

10-09-2009

Today I actually got something specific I would like to share. That’s rather strange as usually my “wanting to write” normally comes along with “nothing to write about”, but not today, for some reason. This is something I’ve been thinking about for months but could never put it down in words how I wanted to. A movie I watched the other night and my past year and a half watching a virtual society grow and evolve to what it is today are probably responsible for these thoughts.

I guess the reason why I never get to explain this properly is because I always try to get down to the details of it first but I’ve started to think that’s not the proper approach. Straight to the point first and I’ll go from there.

Try to picture yourself in the middle of a war that you have seen coming. You witnessed how the first misunderstanding (or not) took place, you saw how the people, poorly represented, was drawn into a fight that was not their own due to lies being repeated so often they became the truth of that moment. Hate grows beyond limits despite having no real reason to exist and both sides are right and wrong at the same time.

The feeling when this timeline takes place is like you are looking at the top of a hill at wintertime, all completely white. Then you see someone, intentionally or not doesn’t matter, throwing a tiny little snowball downwards from the top. As you probably know, that ball will start growing and growing until it becomes a threat to everything it finds in its way.

Truth is that small actions, decisions, coincidences… things that seem unable to cause a bigger consequence than what their own size would predict might have a tremendous impact. You might be able to tell disaster from the very moment it is born but despite how much you try you don’t seem to be able to stop it. I don’t think we’re necessarily meant to, but we are responsible for the role we play as individuals anyway.

A principle most of us actually live by on a regular basis is something like: “little me don’t make a difference anyway, so why bother?” Well… I guess my point is, as so many have said already, that we do matter. But in my opinion it’s not that what we do always makes a difference, it’s the fact that if don’t try we always make sure we don’t.

I love the quote: “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” To me it means that despite having no guarantee of victory we are responsible for not guaranteeing defeat.

We might face a situation that’s bigger than us and feel we are insignificant to its outcome. Well, if we have decisions to make, if we have options… we are part of it too. Just as much as the number of coincidences and random decisions that had us where we are, a joint number of new decisions can be the difference between one result or another.

I might write a bit more about this sometime as there is so much more to it, but for now these were my thoughts for today.  ^_^

Valhadria.

"My Limit Is Me"

03-08-2009

Knowing how much I like to write, I guess that not starting a spot like this before is a bit strange. Honestly I think it never crossed my mind. Lately I’ve been wanting to write about stuff that only classifies as suitable for a personal notebooks or similar so I thought it might not be a bad idea.

The sites name was a bit of an improvisation, but it does have its meaning. While thinking (it is told to be quite a healthy habit every once in a while) about how to call it I couldn’t make up my mind. Actually… I had no idea. Pretty normal in me though… I usually get stuck when it comes to names, until the perfect one strikes me.

Considering present as a picture where friends (I grant myself the exclusive right to point out a few exceptions) are mostly passing by, where getting up in the morning isn’t always too tempting and the future is hard to imagine… the thought of knowing I can’t choose what surrounds me, but I do have a saying in what I do with it, came to me. My only limit is me, so I figured it might be a good idea to remind myself of that as often as possible. And it might also be a nice reminder for those who are so kind to pay me a visit here.

Valhadria.